So, what does it take to be a good
parent? In a nutshell, it means raising children who are safe, secure, loved,
and socialized (that translates to behaving appropriately in a wide variety of
social situations). Some children feel safe, secure, and loved but act like
horrible little shits in public and private. As a parent, achieving three out
of four of those critical goals simply doesn’t cut it. Being a good parent
means you accomplish all four. Period. Shrugging off the responsibility of
socializing your precious little monster does not result in a good parent or a
well-adjusted child.
Becoming the kind of parent who raises her
kids right takes time, effort, and selfless dedication. It also takes more than
a little common sense, a commodity seemingly in very short supply with today’s
parents. Here are several real world examples. First are the countless
parents who want to be their children’s friends or to treat them as equals.
Parent-child relationship? What’s that? Second is the young mother complaining that her thirteen-year-old
daughter goes out of the house dressed like a hooker-wanna-be but can’t figure
out that she buys the daughter’s clothes. Hello? Third is the frazzled parent
arguing with a child about doing dishes or cleaning her room and not doing
anything when the child flat-out refuses. Sort of takes my breath away. Then we
all know of non-functional, idiot parents who put a computer with an internet
connection in their child’s bedroom where they are easy prey to pederasts. Or
parents who allow their child to play video games where the sole purpose is to
slaughter as many enemies as possible in X number of moves so they can advance
to the next level of assassination master.
It wasn’t always this way. Until the
late 19th Century child labor for the average family was generally deemed a
fundamental necessity in sustaining a family-based economy that was largely but
not entirely agrarian. Most parents, the wealthy are obvious exceptions to this
generalization, typically viewed their children as essential economic assets
especially on the farm, where little hands did all sorts of chores that today
would be regarded as onerous and verging on abusive and exploitative. With the
new age of industrialization that dawned in the late 18th Century,
thanks to the greedy and conscienceless early capitalists, children continued
their monetary contributions to the family by toiling at factory jobs up to ten
hours a day, six days a week in conditions that were far from safe.
That situation changed with the rise
of labor unions and a growing social awareness of the brutal immorality of
forcing children to work in jobs where the loss of digits or limbs was a daily
hazard. Since the early 20th Century childhood has come to be viewed as a
protected, privileged, and almost magical time of ceaseless nurturing on the
part of parents. Until we have reached the point of “children” living in their
parents’ homes well into their thirties. It took Princeton
sociologist Viviana Zelizer five brutally honest words to describe that evolution
of a child’s value: “Economically worthless but emotionally priceless” (interested
readers should check out her fascinating book: Pricing the Priceless Child: The Changing Social Value of Children).
Today, so many children are treated like little princes and princesses by their
parents that they feel entitled to act any way they damn well please. And their
idiot parents let them do exactly that.
Truism for the day: behind every jerky,
bratty, mouthy kid is a lousy parent. In a 2011 poll, nearly 65 percent of
adult Americans favored “kid free zones” in restaurants, theaters, and planes.
I wonder why? Could it be that customers are absolutely fed up with
ill-mannered, out of control brats whose parents have absolutely no clue? Gee,
who out there thinks that that’s the kids’ fault? Hello. But what could anyone
possibly expect when two-thirds of American parents admit that their own kids
are spoiled?
Believe it or not it’s not just me.
Hundreds of businesses are getting fed up with unruly, ill-mannered brats. As
an example, one sign posted in an unidentified restaurant reads: “Unattended
Children Will Be Given a Free Espresso and a Kitten.”
Raising children to be responsible
and courteous is a job some people are simply not ready for, even though they
already have kids. Let me tell you two very different stories based on real
life situations, though several particulars have been changed to protect the parties.
The first story is about a married friend
of our youngest daughter, who lives in Tucson
In the second vignette, a close
friend who was a prominent business executive was having trouble with his
19-year-old son that involved drug use. After numerous confrontations the young
man was told to change his behavior or leave the house; sadly, for the parents
at least, he chose to find an apartment on his own. About a year later the
young man returned home to have dinner with his family. Though the meal was
strained everything went well. Sometime later, my friend, the young man’s father,
went to the supermarket to get something that was needed for the next morning’s
breakfast. To his surprise, his son offered to accompany him. While standing in
line at the store they couldn’t help but notice a three- or four-year-old boy
sitting in a grocery cart immediately in front of them. He saw a candy bar near
the check-out and grabbed it. His mother calmly took it away, put it back on
the shelf, and told him they had candy and cookies at home and he didn’t need a
candy bar. He proceeded to throw the proverbial fit, screaming loudly, “I want
it, I want it. I hate you, I hate you.” And then started throwing grocery items
out of the cart. His mother, a young woman who looked to be in her early
thirties, grabbed her son’s hands to prevent him from firing more cans onto the
floor, looked up at us, and said with in an embarrassed tone, “The terrible
threes. What are you going to do?” The young man stared at her and, before his
father could utter a word, said, “Beat the kid, lady.” Later, the father told
me that his son simply meant for the mother to give the kid a swat on the butt
to let him know who was boss. With tears in his eyes my friend then told me
that that was the moment he knew his son would eventually be okay (which he
was).
Many (most?) times house rules for
kids include sensible restrictions like no throwing, no hitting, no biting, no
name-calling, no bullying, etc. But today when a child picks up a handy object
and fires it at a parent or another child, the result is highly likely to be a “time-out”
in the kid’s room or a minute on the “naughty” step. Corporal punishment (a
quick spank on the butt) is not an option for far too many modern American
parents. But what so many parents seem to have never learned is that the human ass
contains no vital organs, not even deep-seated psychological ones if spanking
is neither habitual nor administered as a form of physical abuse.
When you poll adults for their
opinion about children, the majority chose the following descriptors: “rude,”
“irresponsible,” and “lacking in discipline.” The truth is bratty behavior is
learned from parents. But the salvation is that it also can be unlearned.
One of the things I advise young
parents to do is to watch TV documentaries that show wild animals interacting
with their offspring; I’m referring to “social” animals such as wolves and
lions, or chimps and gorillas. If they watch those programs they would see
adult animals disciplining wayward and unruly behavior on the part of the young,
even if that particular young animal is theirs or not. Obviously, spanking is
not part of that picture, but physical discipline definitely is. Although the
young animals are not injured in that process, they immediately stop whatever
untoward behavior they were engaged in. What the adult animals are doing is
supervising and disciplining their young. Intelligent and perspicacious human
parents would do well to learn from that animal behavior.
Although some parenting experts
believe that spanking or other corporal punishment (e.g. a slap on the hand) is
a terrible way to discipline children, I think it is a very useful tool if
applied judiciously and relatively infrequently. If the goal of discipline is
to teach children self-control, spanking accomplishes that. However, too
frequent or too severe corporal punishment may teach children to stop doing
something simply out of fear or to become afraid of the disciplining parent. It
is key to know that being a fairly strict disciplinarian with high expectations
of behavior does not preclude also being a warm and sensitive parent.
Okay, after wading through all that
parenting stuff let’s get down to the basic issue: What elements are
essential to being a “good” parent?
1. Provide unconditional love and
affection that are expressed both physically and emotionally on a regular
basis, preferably daily.
2. Exactly what is wrong with being
strict? Here I mean “strict” as in the sense of giving children boundaries and
routine security and insisting on maintaining those strictures. Kids desperately
need rules and boundaries just like they need to be socialized.
Enforce order, rules, and boundaries firmly and consistently.
Set rules and boundaries that are appropriate to the child’s
age.
Never negotiate
with children over primary rules and boundaries.
Too many rules are worse than too few.
3. Exercise discipline that may be
strict but is moderated with judicious flexibility rather than mindless
rigidity.
Unruly, inappropriate behavior should be corrected
immediately and firmly.
A set enforcement
system should be in place; for example, one warning, followed by consequences
such as loss of privileges, loss of a special treat, standing with her nose in
the corner, banishment to a Siberian gulag, etc.
Parents MUST
consistently follow through with appropriate consequences when children behave
unacceptably.
Children should
never be allowed to run around like wild animals in a place where decorum is
the norm. But they must be allowed to express themselves in ways that are
appropriate to the environmental context. In other words, rolling in the grass
in a public park is great but rolling on the floor of a busy restaurant should NEVER
be permitted under any circumstance for reasons that should be obvious to all
except the most clueless parents. And remember, no child has the right to rude
or otherwise unacceptable public behavior.
4. Don't give in to a whinny,
demanding, and manipulative child. Part of their modus operandi is to whine and
argue and demand until even the most grounded adult feels like reaching for a
hammer or a gun but then folds the tent and capitulates. You can be
understanding and sympathetic but always be consistently firm and never
give in. No means no. Period. No exceptions, not even for the whiniest brat out
there. If you do give in, the child has succeeded in training you and will
immediately increase that behavior until all you are is an ineffectual “Yes”
parent. Discipline is meaningless if it isn’t administered with a consistent,
even hand.
Many parents don’t
bother setting clear rules and expectations. And if they do, many times they
fail to act appropriately when their children violate them. For a parent,
consistency is a requirement.
Discipline is very
important for all children, though for many positive reinforcement may work well
as a companion tool.
I’ve meet one three-year-old
who delights in using “dirty” words, hitting playmates, screaming at her
mother, and simply refusing to listen. But I also watched when the mother "disciplined"
her child and it basically involved telling her “no” and then laughing and
shrugging helplessly when the child ignored her and continued the bad behavior.
It’s not a bad
thing to let your child know you’re angry with her. And if she cries and pleads
piteously don’t for a second relent and give in and act like you were wrong for
being upset or for enforcing rules.
5. Set high but realistic
expectations; keep in mind that not every young musician will be the next Yo Yo
Ma nor every young athlete the next Michele Wie and you can’t make that happen
through harsh discipline and incessant demands of more practice.
6. Be honest when you praise your
child; almost no child is the perfect student, athlete, artist, or anything so
don’t tell them they are when the reality is different; never confuse building
self-esteem with lying, no matter how harmless or even essential you think it
may be. Today, every kid playing sports gets praised by parents no matter how
miserably she performs. In many cases every team and every child gets a trophy
at the end of the session no matter how well they played to prevent their
“feelings” from getting hurt. The result is the kid has great self-esteem but
no fucking idea her athletic skills are borderline at best. Thus, kids grow up
thinking everything is easy since they put minimal effort into activities but
reap unstinting praise from doting parents.
7. Be attentive to the changing
needs of the child through various stages of maturation.
8. Be a parent, not a friend or an equal; families are not democracies where everyone
gets an equal vote and parents can be outvoted by children. Remember, friends
don’t set rules and limits on behavior or penalize inappropriate actions;
that’s part of what parents do. When your child has children of her own (or
hits the age of 30) then it’s okay to be her friend. But not before then.
9. Criticize inappropriate behavior,
not the child.
Never belittle or
compare a child unfavorably with another.
Never use loaded comments
or use words as weapons, like “That was a dumb thing to do” or “Stop acting
like a baby.”
10. Spend high quality time with
your kid each day, such as reading a book at bedtime, listening to what
happened that day in school, letting them help make cookies, giving the little
ones baths, etc.
11. Always keep lines of communication
open; that means to really listen to your child’s verbal and non-verbal
behavior.
12. Be a good role model because
kids are the world’s best hypocrisy-bullshit detectors.
13. Know your own needs and
limitations because no parent is perfect and never lie about that to your kids.
14. Stop trying to reason with
children under the age of five; it’s wasted on their little brains and makes
you look like one of those idiots who talk to their dogs and think they
understand English (or Spanish or whatever).
