Mayan Calendar Doomsday Prediction

Oh my God. Doomsday approacheth on high. Tomorrow we’ll all wake up dead. Oh, shit! Oh shit! What to do? Should I quickly wrap up my Christmas shopping? Pun intended. Should I run to church for final absolution or shoot the pastor because he’s way too friendly with the altar boys? Should I run across the street and punch that asshole I've hated forever in his stupid mouth? What to do? What to do? I’m so confused I feel blonde.

Well, one thing for shit sure I’m not paying all those bills that have piled up from Christmas shopping. Fuck ‘em. Let’s see if those bastards can collect when I'm taking the deep dirt nap. Ha ha.

But wait. What if the Mayans were wrong? Hey, think about it. If the Mayans were so smart why didn't they kick the Aztecs’ ass? And what about Columbus and all those rapacious Conquistadors? Why didn't the Mayans sink the Spaniards’ boats and engage in a little creative cannibalism they were famous for? Maybe the Mayans were as stupid as we are and didn't know shit about shit.

Still, doomsday is doomsday. So, after giving it a lot of thought I’m gonna hedge my bets. Tonight I’m going to bed with a crucifix in one hand and a miniature plastic Mayan calendar in the other that I bought off some Chinese guy in Chichen Itza for one-third the going rate. Maybe one will balance out the other and I’ll wake up in a brave new world with Winston Smith sitting on my bed. It could happen.