BIRTHDAY MESSAGE

Today is my birth anniversary. To celebrate I'm going to post a bunch of things that I enjoy, starting with one of my favorite jokes.

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Several men are in the locker room of an exclusive golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings. A man sitting nearby picks it up and engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room can't help but overhear the conversation.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? It's hard to hear your voice."

MAN: "Yeah, I'm in the locker room. I'm all wet so I have to use the hands-free."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this absolutely stunning leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it? It's exactly what I've been looking for."

MAN: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much. We're doing pretty well."

WOMAN: "Great, I’m so excited. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. They have a convertible in that pearly white color I really like."

MAN: "How much is it?"

WOMAN hesitates and then says: "$87,500."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want all the options. But don't let the guy drive the cost way up. Make sure you stay close to the original quote."

WOMAN gushes: "That’s terrific! Oh, one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They dropped the price almost two hundred thousand and are only asking $950,000."

MAN: "That's not too bad. Go ahead and make them an offer, but not full price; somewhere around $875,000. We can offer more if they reject the first offer."

WOMAN: "Perfect. I'll see you later. Hey! I really love you!"

MAN: "I love you, too, sweetheart. Bye."

The man closes the phone and places it on the bench. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in open-mouthed amazement. Then he looks up and says in a loud voice, "Hey! Anyone know whose cell phone this is?"

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The Ralph M. Rap Song 

Ralph M. is my hero that’s all I wanna say.

He was a workaholic every night and every day.

He didn’t finish high school but became an engineer.

Founded a big company and named it after him.

The man is a model for all who want to play the game of consulting that’s what we wanna do.

We whore for the money but we love it yes we do.

I want to be just like him so I can make the grade

And manage all those projects that will get me big time paid.

He was a straight arrow trusted through and through.

The tattoo on my butt tells it straight and true.

Ralph M. is my hero that’s all I wanna say.

Rap song about Ralph M. Parsons, founder of the Parsons Corporation. Recited to a rap beat at SOB’s 5-year Employee Recognition ceremony at Parsons St. Louis office on 1-27-03. And yes, it actually happened.

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Here’s a Beautiful Message about Growing Old:

Shit.

I've forgotten what it was.

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And here’s one of my favorite poems.

Ultimo Instante — The Final Moment

by Jorge Luis Borges

If I were able to live my life anew,

the next time I would try to make more mistakes.

I would not attempt to be so perfect

and would relax more.

I would be more foolish than I had been.

Truly, I would take few things seriously.

And I would be less neat.

I would run more risks, travel more,

watch more sunsets, climb more mountains,

swim more rivers.

I would go to more places I had never been.

I would eat more ice cream and fewer vegetables.

I would have more real problems and fewer imaginary ones.

I was one of those persons who lived

each minute of life sensibly and productively.

Clearly, I had moments of happiness.

But . . .

If I were able to live my life again,

I would try to have only good moments.

In case you don't know, life is made only of moments.

Don't lose sight of the present.

I was one of those who never went

to other places without a thermometer,

a hot water bottle,

an umbrella and a parachute.

If I were able to live my life again . . .

I would begin by walking barefoot

from the first of Spring

and continue until Fall.

There would be more twists and turns on my street.

I would watch more dawns

and . . .

If there were another life ahead of me,

I would play more with my children.

But now I am 85 years old, blind and am ready to die.

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Now here’s one of mine.

I Am a Chauvinist No Doubt

I am a chauvinist no doubt.

Gently bouncing breasts

sweetly curving asses

cotton-molded lower lips

my gaze instantly focuses.

Forgotten the slogans

the rallying cries of liberation

when brushed by a heavily laden

melon of flesh.

Valiant efforts made many times

to shed the snake-skin machismo.

No luck. I stopped trying.

Today my sins are acknowledged

without pride

accepted not denied or excused.

But now private lusts replace

public display.

I am a chauvinist no doubt.