I’m Old and Glad

           This message is pointedly directed at the seniors out there, though the young ones can listen quietly while I rant.

Want to feel happy, and I mean really really happy, for once that you’re an old fart and can see your demise looming in the not so distant future? Whoa, that’s a switch. To get that happy days infusion all you have to do is read the United Nations report on world population prospects that was released on May 4 (http://esa.un.org/unpd/wpp/index.htm). It projects that global population, instead of stabilizing at 9.3 billion by 2050, will keep increasing, and may even hit 10.1 billion by 2100.

The good news is we old farts won’t be around to see the shit hit that particular fan. And by shit I mean globally insufficient water, food scarcity and rising prices, energy and other natural resource shortages, continued habitat destruction, species going extinct at accelerated rates, oceans in steep decline, increased desertification, and accelerated climate change, among many others.

Naturally, I should try to control my gloating over the inevitability of not being alive to experience those worst of times but young people love to rub the glory of their youth in the wrinkled faces of their elders so evening up the score doesn’t seem overly rude. If anyone out there can’t see the handwriting on the wall they are blind, deaf, and plenty dumb (time to invoke my Rule of 85).

It should come as no surprise that billions in India and China and other developing nations want to increase their already rising standards of living so they can have high-consumption lifestyles like Western Europeans or even like the fat and saucy Americans. And why the hell wouldn't they? Who wants to pedal a cycle rickshaw for a few rupees if you can be a software engineer and earn thousands? Who wants to eat brown rice when well-marbled steak smothered in mushrooms, onions, and asparagus covered with hollandaise sauce is available? Really. Anyone out there think about what happens to sustainable (but poorly managed) and non-sustainable natural resources when billions more people demand high-consumption lifestyles. Can you spell F-I-N-I-T-E? If so, can you spell C-O-L-L-A-P-S-E? A tip of the hat to Jared Diamond.

The problem is we Americans got it good and we aren’t about to give it up. No siree, Bob. So, let’s keep those defense expenditures sky high just in case we need to kick some foreign ass over who gets the shrinking resources.

All I can say is thank God I’m going to miss all that by dying well before 2050. If I’m lucky, at my current age of 68 and with a normal life expectancy of 76 years for males, statistically, I should expect to kick off somewhere around 2019 or 2020. Which means I shouldn’t experience any change whatsoever in my decadent lifestyle, unless Social Security and Medicare blows up in our faces because of the meddling of idiot Republicans. So, I expect to die with a smile on my face, having lived a life of material comfort envied by billions.

It’s really too bad about those poor little bastards in the developing world who face calorie, protein, and vitamin deficiencies and insufficient drinking water. Maybe they should just move somewhere nicer, like the French Riviera. Hey, it could happen.

Say, make mine a jumbo chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream, a third of a pound Angus cheddar cheese burger with double bacon and lots of onion. And supersize those fries will you? Christ, I love being an old fart American.