SOB’s Guide to Good Parenting

Clueless, lazy, inept, careless, ineffectual parents seem to be the “in” thing today. To confirm that observation all you have to do is watch kids acting like feral dogs in malls, restaurants, movie theaters, playgrounds, and supermarkets or trash talking to their parents anywhere and everywhere. In a recent movie (Carnage starring Kate Winslet, Jodie Foster, Christoph Waltz, and John C. Reilly) one parent freely admits that his son is a “maniac” and rules like “the god of carnage” so we’re not talking about an obscure trend.

So, what does it take to be a good parent? In a nutshell, it means raising children who are safe, secure, loved, and socialized (that translates to behaving appropriately in a wide variety of social situations). Some children feel safe, secure, and loved but act like horrible little shits in public and private. As a parent, achieving three out of four of those critical goals simply doesn’t cut it. Being a good parent means you accomplish all four. Period. Shrugging off the responsibility of socializing your precious little monster does not result in a good parent or a well-adjusted child.

Becoming the kind of parent who raises her kids right takes time, effort, and selfless dedication. It also takes more than a little common sense, a commodity seemingly in very short supply with today’s parents. Here are several real world examples. First are the countless parents who want to be their children’s friends or to treat them as equals. Parent-child relationship? What’s that? Second is the young mother complaining that her thirteen-year-old daughter goes out of the house dressed like a hooker-wanna-be but can’t figure out that she buys the daughter’s clothes. Hello? Third is the frazzled parent arguing with a child about doing dishes or cleaning her room and not doing anything when the child flat-out refuses. Sort of takes my breath away. Then we all know of non-functional, idiot parents who put a computer with an internet connection in their child’s bedroom where they are easy prey to pederasts. Or parents who allow their child to play video games where the sole purpose is to slaughter as many enemies as possible in X number of moves so they can advance to the next level of assassination master.

It wasn’t always this way. Until the late 19th Century child labor for the average family was generally deemed a fundamental necessity in sustaining a family-based economy that was largely but not entirely agrarian. Most parents, the wealthy are obvious exceptions to this generalization, typically viewed their children as essential economic assets especially on the farm, where little hands did all sorts of chores that today would be regarded as onerous and verging on abusive and exploitative. With the new age of industrialization that dawned in the late 18th Century, thanks to the greedy and conscienceless early capitalists, children continued their monetary contributions to the family by toiling at factory jobs up to ten hours a day, six days a week in conditions that were far from safe.

That situation changed with the rise of labor unions and a growing social awareness of the brutal immorality of forcing children to work in jobs where the loss of digits or limbs was a daily hazard. Since the early 20th Century childhood has come to be viewed as a protected, privileged, and almost magical time of ceaseless nurturing on the part of parents. Until we have reached the point of “children” living in their parents’ homes well into their thirties. It took Princeton sociologist Viviana Zelizer five brutally honest words to describe that evolution of a child’s value: “Economically worthless but emotionally priceless” (interested readers should check out her fascinating book: Pricing the Priceless Child: The Changing Social Value of Children). Today, so many children are treated like little princes and princesses by their parents that they feel entitled to act any way they damn well please. And their idiot parents let them do exactly that.

Truism for the day: behind every jerky, bratty, mouthy kid is a lousy parent. In a 2011 poll, nearly 65 percent of adult Americans favored “kid free zones” in restaurants, theaters, and planes. I wonder why? Could it be that customers are absolutely fed up with ill-mannered, out of control brats whose parents have absolutely no clue? Gee, who out there thinks that that’s the kids’ fault? Hello. But what could anyone possibly expect when two-thirds of American parents admit that their own kids are spoiled?

Believe it or not it’s not just me. Hundreds of businesses are getting fed up with unruly, ill-mannered brats. As an example, one sign posted in an unidentified restaurant reads: “Unattended Children Will Be Given a Free Espresso and a Kitten.”

Raising children to be responsible and courteous is a job some people are simply not ready for, even though they already have kids. Let me tell you two very different stories based on real life situations, though several particulars have been changed to protect the parties.

The first story is about a married friend of our youngest daughter, who lives in Tucson. Every Friday at lunch her friend and her six- or seven-year old would go with another friend, who also had a child the same age, to a popular pizza restaurant. After eating, the mothers would sit at their table and chat for well over an hour while the two kids ran around, often watching the kitchen staff making pizza through a large plate glass window provided for that express purpose. After several months of eating lunch at the same restaurant, the two mothers were approached by the general manager and were told that they would not be allowed to return because their children were so wild they were upsetting other patrons. The mothers were very angry and simply couldn’t believe the manager would turn them away since they were spending a fair amount of money there each and every week. When I spoke to the mother several weeks later she was still indignant So, I asked her if maybe the kids had been unruly and she confidently assured me her child would never act like that. Never.

In the second vignette, a close friend who was a prominent business executive was having trouble with his 19-year-old son that involved drug use. After numerous confrontations the young man was told to change his behavior or leave the house; sadly, for the parents at least, he chose to find an apartment on his own. About a year later the young man returned home to have dinner with his family. Though the meal was strained everything went well. Sometime later, my friend, the young man’s father, went to the supermarket to get something that was needed for the next morning’s breakfast. To his surprise, his son offered to accompany him. While standing in line at the store they couldn’t help but notice a three- or four-year-old boy sitting in a grocery cart immediately in front of them. He saw a candy bar near the check-out and grabbed it. His mother calmly took it away, put it back on the shelf, and told him they had candy and cookies at home and he didn’t need a candy bar. He proceeded to throw the proverbial fit, screaming loudly, “I want it, I want it. I hate you, I hate you.” And then started throwing grocery items out of the cart. His mother, a young woman who looked to be in her early thirties, grabbed her son’s hands to prevent him from firing more cans onto the floor, looked up at us, and said with in an embarrassed tone, “The terrible threes. What are you going to do?” The young man stared at her and, before his father could utter a word, said, “Beat the kid, lady.” Later, the father told me that his son simply meant for the mother to give the kid a swat on the butt to let him know who was boss. With tears in his eyes my friend then told me that that was the moment he knew his son would eventually be okay (which he was).

Many (most?) times house rules for kids include sensible restrictions like no throwing, no hitting, no biting, no name-calling, no bullying, etc. But today when a child picks up a handy object and fires it at a parent or another child, the result is highly likely to be a “time-out” in the kid’s room or a minute on the “naughty” step. Corporal punishment (a quick spank on the butt) is not an option for far too many modern American parents. But what so many parents seem to have never learned is that the human ass contains no vital organs, not even deep-seated psychological ones if spanking is neither habitual nor administered as a form of physical abuse.

When you poll adults for their opinion about children, the majority chose the following descriptors: “rude,” “irresponsible,” and “lacking in discipline.” The truth is bratty behavior is learned from parents. But the salvation is that it also can be unlearned.

One of the things I advise young parents to do is to watch TV documentaries that show wild animals interacting with their offspring; I’m referring to “social” animals such as wolves and lions, or chimps and gorillas. If they watch those programs they would see adult animals disciplining wayward and unruly behavior on the part of the young, even if that particular young animal is theirs or not. Obviously, spanking is not part of that picture, but physical discipline definitely is. Although the young animals are not injured in that process, they immediately stop whatever untoward behavior they were engaged in. What the adult animals are doing is supervising and disciplining their young. Intelligent and perspicacious human parents would do well to learn from that animal behavior.

Although some parenting experts believe that spanking or other corporal punishment (e.g. a slap on the hand) is a terrible way to discipline children, I think it is a very useful tool if applied judiciously and relatively infrequently. If the goal of discipline is to teach children self-control, spanking accomplishes that. However, too frequent or too severe corporal punishment may teach children to stop doing something simply out of fear or to become afraid of the disciplining parent. It is key to know that being a fairly strict disciplinarian with high expectations of behavior does not preclude also being a warm and sensitive parent.

Okay, after wading through all that parenting stuff let’s get down to the basic issue: What elements are essential to being a “good” parent?

1. Provide unconditional love and affection that are expressed both physically and emotionally on a regular basis, preferably daily.

2. Exactly what is wrong with being strict? Here I mean “strict” as in the sense of giving children boundaries and routine security and insisting on maintaining those strictures. Kids desperately need rules and boundaries just like they need to be socialized.

             Enforce order, rules, and boundaries firmly and consistently.

             Set rules and boundaries that are appropriate to the child’s age.

             Never negotiate with children over primary rules and boundaries.

             Too many rules are worse than too few.

3. Exercise discipline that may be strict but is moderated with judicious flexibility rather than mindless rigidity.

            Unruly, inappropriate behavior should be corrected immediately and firmly.

A set enforcement system should be in place; for example, one warning, followed by consequences such as loss of privileges, loss of a special treat, standing with her nose in the corner, banishment to a Siberian gulag, etc.

Parents MUST consistently follow through with appropriate consequences when children behave unacceptably.

Children should never be allowed to run around like wild animals in a place where decorum is the norm. But they must be allowed to express themselves in ways that are appropriate to the environmental context. In other words, rolling in the grass in a public park is great but rolling on the floor of a busy restaurant should NEVER be permitted under any circumstance for reasons that should be obvious to all except the most clueless parents. And remember, no child has the right to rude or otherwise unacceptable public behavior.

4. Don't give in to a whinny, demanding, and manipulative child. Part of their modus operandi is to whine and argue and demand until even the most grounded adult feels like reaching for a hammer or a gun but then folds the tent and capitulates. You can be understanding and sympathetic but always be consistently firm and never give in. No means no. Period. No exceptions, not even for the whiniest brat out there. If you do give in, the child has succeeded in training you and will immediately increase that behavior until all you are is an ineffectual “Yes” parent. Discipline is meaningless if it isn’t administered with a consistent, even hand.

Many parents don’t bother setting clear rules and expectations. And if they do, many times they fail to act appropriately when their children violate them. For a parent, consistency is a requirement.

Discipline is very important for all children, though for many positive reinforcement may work well as a companion tool.

I’ve meet one three-year-old who delights in using “dirty” words, hitting playmates, screaming at her mother, and simply refusing to listen. But I also watched when the mother "disciplined" her child and it basically involved telling her “no” and then laughing and shrugging helplessly when the child ignored her and continued the bad behavior.

It’s not a bad thing to let your child know you’re angry with her. And if she cries and pleads piteously don’t for a second relent and give in and act like you were wrong for being upset or for enforcing rules.

5. Set high but realistic expectations; keep in mind that not every young musician will be the next Yo Yo Ma nor every young athlete the next Michele Wie and you can’t make that happen through harsh discipline and incessant demands of more practice.

6. Be honest when you praise your child; almost no child is the perfect student, athlete, artist, or anything so don’t tell them they are when the reality is different; never confuse building self-esteem with lying, no matter how harmless or even essential you think it may be. Today, every kid playing sports gets praised by parents no matter how miserably she performs. In many cases every team and every child gets a trophy at the end of the session no matter how well they played to prevent their “feelings” from getting hurt. The result is the kid has great self-esteem but no fucking idea her athletic skills are borderline at best. Thus, kids grow up thinking everything is easy since they put minimal effort into activities but reap unstinting praise from doting parents.

7. Be attentive to the changing needs of the child through various stages of maturation.

8. Be a parent, not a friend or an equal; families are not democracies where everyone gets an equal vote and parents can be outvoted by children. Remember, friends don’t set rules and limits on behavior or penalize inappropriate actions; that’s part of what parents do. When your child has children of her own (or hits the age of 30) then it’s okay to be her friend. But not before then.

9. Criticize inappropriate behavior, not the child.

Never belittle or compare a child unfavorably with another.

Never use loaded comments or use words as weapons, like “That was a dumb thing to do” or “Stop acting like a baby.”

10. Spend high quality time with your kid each day, such as reading a book at bedtime, listening to what happened that day in school, letting them help make cookies, giving the little ones baths, etc.

11. Always keep lines of communication open; that means to really listen to your child’s verbal and non-verbal behavior.

12. Be a good role model because kids are the world’s best hypocrisy-bullshit detectors.

13. Know your own needs and limitations because no parent is perfect and never lie about that to your kids.

14. Stop trying to reason with children under the age of five; it’s wasted on their little brains and makes you look like one of those idiots who talk to their dogs and think they understand English (or Spanish or whatever).