Corps of Engineers Startles Washington with new Public Relations Campaign

July 11, 2011; Washington, D.C. At a press conference held at the Pentagon today Brigadier General Ernest Braunozzer, official U.S. Army Corps of Engineers spokesperson, addressed a meeting of reporters, special interest groups, and members of the public.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have been tasked to announce that the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, in consultation with leaders in Congress and the White House, has officially adopted a new public outreach campaign we have titled Brutal Sincerity in honor of our warrior ethos. In the recent past we have noted a certain discontent among the general public and stakeholder groups with the way the Corps has operated and with how we report project results. Therefore, we have developed and officially put in place a new Brutal Sincerity Public Relations Campaign that is effective immediately. Please note that the acronym for the new campaign is the BS Campaign. To demonstrate the Corps’s total commitment to the new public relations program we have made available to the press three distinguished members of senior Corps staff who were directly involved in structuring the BS Campaign as well as Senator Mike Hunt, Co-Chairman of the Senate Ways and Means Committee. We’ll first start with Colonel Peter Wacker, District Engineer, Lower Bumfuck, Arkansas.”

Col. Wacker, holding up one of the new Corps golf shirts: “I can’t wait to wear our outstanding logo shirt in Washington when we meet with the delegations of Congressmen determined to hide their construction-related earmarks from muckraking reporters. One of the Senators who sponsored the most Corps earmark projects last year came up with this exciting logo and inspiring message.” He pointed to the shirt and read aloud: “U.S. Army Corps of Engineers — Congress’s Butt-Boys Nonpareil — Turning Natural Environments into Offal Since 1802.” A broad smile on his face told the story. “Brings tears to my eyes. Because that’s what Congress wants and what we do best, no matter the consequences for our country’s future. And we’re damn proud of it. Besides, it’s time our engineers get over the shame of telling the public that the same waterway flows uphill and downhill to fit the political situation, like we were caught doing a couple years back in the Delaware & Chesapeake Canal.” He winked knowingly at the audience, “After all, now that the BS Campaign is in full swing there’s no reason for me to lie, especially not when the truth will set you free. So, here’s the truth from my perspective as a District Engineer: trees and wetlands don’t vote or contribute handsomely to political election campaigns. No sir, not by a long shot. That’s why our job for Congress is to turn the environment into offal.”

Colonel Wacker turned and indicated a graying man seated to his left. “The next Corps staff to testify is Jack Hoff, Senior Corps Economist.”

Hoff came to the podium: “As a senior Corps economist I can tell you hair-raising stories of the way our benefit-cost studies have been attacked right and left and ripped to shreds by a justly outraged public as well as by academic economists who know exactly how we cook the books to get the result Congress and its paymasters demand.” He shook his head and pursed his lips. “I want you to know how happy we are that we can finally hold our heads high at public meetings and at those important national conventions of professional economists. Now when we distribute our benefit-cost analyses everyone can see the official brown GENUINE USACE OFFAL stamp on the covers. Kind of surprises the hell out of people that we don’t have to fake what we’ve done any more. It makes us proud to be able to serve our country by bending over and grabbing our ankles for Congress and the American way of pork. I really don’t know what this country would do without us producing one offalized document after another. And that’s the truth.” He waved at the man sitting near the podium. “Pat Mawhinney, Senior Corps Biologist, is our next speaker on the BS Campaign.”

Mr. Mawhinney, holding up a copy of an official report: “I just want to reiterate what both Peter and Jack said so well. All of us on the biology staff are happy to finally admit what we do for Congress is to offalize the environment. Of course, the biologists at our sister agency, the Fish & Wildlife Service, have known that for decades but have been pressurized by Congress to keep their mouths shut. But now I want to tell you what a relief it is to see the official brown GENUINE USACE OFFAL stamp on the covers of our biological assessments. Really takes the pressure off and lets everyone know the kind of work we do for our good friends in Congress.” He held up the stamped report and sighed wistfully, “Now maybe I can look in the mirror when I shave every morning and not throw up.” He started to sit down and then returned to the microphone. “Oh, sorry. Almost forgot. Senator Mike Hunt, Republican from Texas is here to wrap things up.”

Senator Hunt: “Thank you, General Braunozzer, and your excellent staff for that moving testimony on the Corps’s new Brutal Sincerity Public Relations Campaign. We in Congress worked hard with the Corps to get this program just right. Tell the truth, this whole new campaign was my idea. Yes, sir. Now everbody knows what we’re up to and nobody can complain. The whole concept is to make sure the Corps is proud of what they’re doing for the country. Hell, us boys in Washington been feeding at the pork trough with the Corps since we got shoved away from our momma’s titty.” Laughing. “Plus, everbody with a brain knows the Corps’s been Congress’s butt-boy since George Washington was President. And that’s a fact. Only now with this here new BS Campaign they don’t have to hide what they’re doing. We’ll just put it right up there in the bright lights for everone to see. Give ‘em something to brag about.” His smile went ear to ear. “Yes, sir, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. Congress’s offal engineers. Got the ring of truth to it, don’t you think?”

The following comments were recorded in the small public visitors’ section: “Telling the truth about their jobs is really gutsy,” one man who didn’t want to be identified said. “Especially putting that big brown official OFFAL stamp on the covers.”

“Never thought I’d hear one word of truth from the Corps or from Congress,” said another. “Being honest is a surprise move, especially here in Washington. That’s for sure.”

“I always knew what kind of offal they produced but never guessed they’d go public with it,” said a woman representing a national environmental organization, shaking her head in amazement. “Sort of refreshing to hear them finally admit it.”

Unidentified man in the back of the room said grimly, “Hell, to me it sounds like the Congress and the Corps are still pitching and the environment is still catching, if you get my drift. Not much has changed except the BS Campaign.”

TV announcer, facing camera: “There you have it, a breathtaking new BS Public Relations Campaign by the Corps of Engineers to come clean with what they actually do for Congress. We’ll have to wait and see if Jane and John Q. Public buy the line of offal that the Corps and their Congressional paymasters are selling.”