The Gospel According to Right-Wing Jesus 01

Let’s be open and honest. Many if not most liberals/progressives are absolutely clueless about what conservatives value most highly and why they think and act the way they do. Well, all that will be explained by the Gospel according to Right-Wing Jesus, the Messiah of American conservatives, the greater majority of whom, naturally, claim to be devout Christians.

So, you might ask, just who is this Right-Wing Jesus? Simple. He’s the Jesus conservatives hold dear in their innermost core. It’s His Gospel they listen to and not the Good News of Traditional Jesus, who, after all, is far too long-haired liberal for them, saying such nonsense as: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Here’s another quote that would never come out of the mouth of Right-Wing Jesus or those of conservatives: "How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God. Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Here’s a clue as to why the Gospel of Right-Wing Jesus is so important for liberals/progressives/leftists. Once you understand Right-Wing Jesus, you’ll better understand what motivates conservatives, no matter what they claim to be in terms of organized religion.

All you have to do now is sit back and relax and let Right-Wing Jesus lay it out for you in simple, easy to understand values that are held deeply by American conservatives. After all, those conservatives believe in Right-Wing Jesus with all their hearts and souls and model their lives and cast their votes according His Gospel. Thus, by understanding the Gospel of Right-Wing Jesus you can better understand American conservatives and their drive to eliminate progressives as an effective voting bloc.

Be Warned: the following Gospel message is only the first, actually it’s a teaser. A few more snippets from Right-Wing Jesus’s Good News may be headed your way in the coming days of progressive enlightenment.

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America’s Most Critical Moral Values from

The Gospel according to Right-Wing Jesus

Brothers and sisters, know ye the most important moral values for American conservatives:

•          Controlling the national debt
•          Ensuring our hard-earned dollars stay in our pockets by keeping taxes to a minimum
•          Shrinking the bloated and intrusive federal government
•          Cutting the deficit
•          Deregulating business and getting government off our backs

Amen, amen I say unto you, he that believeth in my words knows those moral values are more righteous than taking money from the pockets of hard-working taxpayers to:

•          Make sure the shiftless, weak, and irresponsible have health insurance
•          Provide children from families of work-shirkers with meals during the school year
•     Ensure those who don’t want to work are covered by the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) and the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (food stamps)

Behold brothers and sisters, the money saved by reducing the too-expansive safety net created by spendthrift Democrats for the undeserving, lazy, and irresponsible would be used to support critical conservative values, including more military spending and tax reductions across the board but especially for the upper income. Amen, amen I say unto you, this is what modern conservatives do; this is who we are in our innermost heart of hearts.

Using Nuclear Weapons According to Right-Wing Jesus

Americans should prioritize the safety of American troops and the achievement of American war aims, even at the cost of deliberately killing millions of foreign non-combatants. Noncombatant immunity of foreigners in time of war is a boldfaced left-wing lie that must be revealed for what it is. After all, war is Hell not Heaven. Amen I say unto you, the lives of dark skinned people are simply not worth as much as those of American troops. So it is written and so it shall be.

Now that the moral values so beloved by conservative are fully understood, let us now bow our heads and pray to our all-powerful Father in Heaven for the less fortunate who will always be with us.