Right-Wing Jesus Quotes the Old Testament

Proverbs 1, 13: All kinds of precious wealth shall we gain; we shall fill our houses with booty.

Proverbs 3, 5-6: Trust wholeheartedly in the Lord, put no faith in your own perception; in every course you take, have him in mind: He will see that your paths are smooth.

Proverbs 3, 9-10: Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the first fruits of all your produce; then will your barns be filled with grain and your vats will overflow with new wine.

Proverbs 5, 23: Wicked men will die from lack of discipline; through the greatness of their folly they will be lost.

Proverbs 8, 27-31: When the Lord established the heavens I was there, when He marked out the vault over the face of the deep; when He made firm the skies above, when He fixed fast the foundations of the earth; when He set the sea its limit so that the waters should not transgress His command; then I was beside Him as His craftsman and I was His delight day by day, playing before Him all the while, playing on the surface of His earth; and I found delight in the sons of man.

Proverbs 10, 3-4: The Lord permits not the just to go hungry but the cravings of the wicked He thwarts. The slack hand brings poverty, but the hand of the diligent enriches.

Proverbs 10, 22: It is the Lord’s blessing that brings wealth, and no effort can substitute for it.

Proverbs 12, 11: He who tills his own land has food in plenty, but he who follows idle pursuits is a fool.

Proverbs 12, 27: The slothful man catches not his prey but the wealth of the diligent man is great.

Proverbs 13, 4: The soul of the sluggard craves in vain but the diligent soul is amply satisfied.

Proverbs 13, 8: A man’s riches serve as ransom for his life but the poor man heeds no rebuke.

Proverbs 14, 20: Even by his neighbors the poor man is hated but the friends of the rich are many.

Proverbs 19, 6-7: Many curry favor with the noble, all are friends of the man with something to give. All the poor man’s brothers hate him; how much more do his friends shun him.

Proverbs 19, 10: Luxury is not befitting a fool; much less should a slave rule over princes.

Leviticus 24, 19-21: Anyone who injures their neighbor shall receive the same in return. Limb for limb, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The same injury that a man gives another shall be inflicted on him in return. Whoever kills an animal must make restitution, but whoever kills a human being is to be put to death.

The Gospel according to Right-Wing Jesus 02

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, behold the five inspired essentials no man should live without: Faith, Family, Friends, Flag, and Firearms. Let no man tell you differently under pain of the loss of life eternal.”

“Amen, amen, it is deeply Christian to go to the judges citing religious faith to avoid paying for female employees’ contraception.”

“Protecting the standing of the most dominant conservative political party is among the greatest moral values. In very close elections, even seemingly small effects can have great consequences and the anti-Christ, atheist Democrats could get elected.”

“Right-Wing Jesus loves everybody but He won’t make decorated cookies or wedding cakes for queer couples because He believes in one man, one woman marriages are the only ones approved by the Father in Heaven. Thus, all ungodly people who choose queer lifestyles should abandon their abominable perversions.”

“The rich became rich by hard work alone, so they deserve what they have and are beloved by God. The undeserving poor got where they are because they have neither grit nor merit.”

“The rich are rich because of their sterling character and piety. Poor people are poor because they make bad choices, lack initiative and responsibility, or because they don’t have the right qualities, such as intelligence, determination, and fortitude, not because the system is flawed or unfair. Structural inequality is a dangerous myth that all followers of Right-Wing Jesus must reject.”

“For conservatives, being born into wealth and upper-socio-economic class status is a sure sign of God’s favor and of their righteousness before Right-Wing Jesus. The power and strength that come from that status combined with being conservative are signs that in the battle between evil collectivism and godly individualism that defines the human race; there is no question God is on the side of the righteous.”

“Conservativism is a stamp of Christian fidelity; those anointed ones thus blessed are invited to pass directly into the Kingdom of God.”

“Any form of economic redistribution from the hard working upper income to the undeserving and irresponsible low income is anathema to RWJ and intolerable to the Kingdom of God.”

The Parable of the Good Neighbor from the Gospel according to Right-Wing Jesus

On one occasion a lawyer stood up to test Right-Wing Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” Right-Wing Jesus replied. “How do you read it?”

The lawyer answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“You have answered correctly,” Right-Wing Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

But the lawyer wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And exactly who is my neighbor?”

In reply Right-Wing Jesus said: “A god-fearing, states’ rights loving white man was going down from Birmingham to Mobile, when he was attacked by dark-skinned robbers. They stripped him of his valuables and clothes, beat him and drove away in his new car, leaving him half dead. A black minister happened to be going down the same highway, and when he saw the injured white man he immediately changed lanes and passed by on the other side of the highway. So too, a Muslim iman, when he came to the place and saw him, averte his eyes and passed by on the other side. But a white Bible Belt conservative, as he traveled, came to where the man was lying on the highway shoulder; and when he saw him, he pulled off the highway and took pity on him. He went to him, poured oil and wine over his wounds to cleanse them, and bandaged them. Then he put the injured man in his own pickup, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took several hundred dollars and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return in two days, I will reimburse you for any extra expenses you may have.’

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The lawyer replied, “The white conservative who had mercy on him.”

Right-Wing Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

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Let’s be open and honest. Many if not most liberals/progressives are absolutely clueless about what conservatives value most highly and why they think and act the way they do. Well, all that will be explained by the Gospel according to Right-Wing Jesus, the Messiah of American conservatives, the greater majority of whom, naturally, claim to be devout Christians.

So, you might ask, just who is this Right-Wing Jesus? Simple. He’s the Jesus conservatives hold dear in their innermost core. It’s His Gospel they listen to and not the Good News of Traditional Jesus, who, after all, is far too long-haired liberal for them, saying such nonsense as: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Here’s another quote that would never come out of the mouth of Right-Wing Jesus or those of conservatives: "How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God. Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Here’s a clue as to why the Gospel of Right-Wing Jesus is so important for liberals/progressives/leftists. Once you understand Right-Wing Jesus, you’ll better understand what motivates conservatives, no matter what they claim to be in terms of organized religion.

All you have to do now is sit back and relax and let Right-Wing Jesus lay it out for you in simple, easy to understand values that are held deeply by American conservatives. After all, those conservatives believe in Right-Wing Jesus with all their hearts and souls and model their lives and cast their votes according His Gospel. Thus, by understanding the Gospel of Right-Wing Jesus you can better understand American conservatives and their drive to eliminate progressives as an effective voting bloc.

Be Warned: the following Gospel message is only the first, actually it’s a teaser. A few more snippets from Right-Wing Jesus’s Good News may be headed your way in the coming days of progressive enlightenment.

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America’s Most Critical Moral Values from

The Gospel according to Right-Wing Jesus

Brothers and sisters, know ye the most important moral values for American conservatives:

•          Controlling the national debt
•          Ensuring our hard-earned dollars stay in our pockets by keeping taxes to a minimum
•          Shrinking the bloated and intrusive federal government
•          Cutting the deficit
•          Deregulating business and getting government off our backs

Amen, amen I say unto you, he that believeth in my words knows those moral values are more righteous than taking money from the pockets of hard-working taxpayers to:

•          Make sure the shiftless, weak, and irresponsible have health insurance
•          Provide children from families of work-shirkers with meals during the school year
•     Ensure those who don’t want to work are covered by the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) and the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (food stamps)

Behold brothers and sisters, the money saved by reducing the too-expansive safety net created by spendthrift Democrats for the undeserving, lazy, and irresponsible would be used to support critical conservative values, including more military spending and tax reductions across the board but especially for the upper income. Amen, amen I say unto you, this is what modern conservatives do; this is who we are in our innermost heart of hearts.

Using Nuclear Weapons According to Right-Wing Jesus

Americans should prioritize the safety of American troops and the achievement of American war aims, even at the cost of deliberately killing millions of foreign non-combatants. Noncombatant immunity of foreigners in time of war is a boldfaced left-wing lie that must be revealed for what it is. After all, war is Hell not Heaven. Amen I say unto you, the lives of dark skinned people are simply not worth as much as those of American troops. So it is written and so it shall be.

Now that the moral values so beloved by conservative are fully understood, let us now bow our heads and pray to our all-powerful Father in Heaven for the less fortunate who will always be with us.

The Beatitudes According to Right-Wing Jesus

A riff on the Gospel of Luke, 6:20-26

20: Blessed are you who are rich; the kingdoms of Earth and of God are yours. 21: Blessed are you who are satisfied now; your rewards will increase. Blessed are you who laugh for joy because you are doing well; you will never weep. 22: Blessed are you when men hate you and cast you off and revile you, when they reject your name as evil simply because you are successful. 23: When that day comes, rejoice and exult over it; for behold, abundant rewards are yours on Earth and in heaven; their fathers treated the prophets no better. 24: But woe upon you who are poor; you have your comfort now because you are lazy and irresponsible. 25: Woe upon you who are hungry because you refused to work; you shall never be filled full. Woe upon you who make fun of the righteous rich and powerful for wealth and prosperity are signs of God's blessing; you shall mourn and weep. 26: Woe upon the poor who speak ill of the rich and powerful; their fathers treated the prophets no better.

The Donald and the Paris Accord

I have to state up front that I’m bending over backward to be analytical and objective in this short opinion essay on Donald Trump and climate change. So I’m trying hard not to vent whatever ongoing irritation, and worse, I harbor toward our President.

Okay, why did the Trumpster withdraw from the Paris climate agreement? Many reasons have been bruited about in the media but I think one stands out above all others. The Donald is nothing but cunning and devious. In this case I believe those sterling qualities came to the fore. I refuse to believe that The Donald was motivated in his decision by anything other than rock-bottom political expedience. Surely, the true climate change denier’s passion had not one thing to do with his withdrawal from the Paris Accord. It’s well known The Trumpster had never liked the Accord. He made his position abundantly clear during his primary and presidential campaigns. More importantly, he had promised his base on numerous occasions that he would “cancel” the climate pact that he claimed was screwing American workers if he were elected.

Since the Trumpster’s first four months in office have not been the stuff of hosannas from adoring non-partisan multitudes, or even marginal triumphs with miniscule bragging rights, he needed to throw a ton of bleeding red meat to his hungry base to prove he meant business and was a decisive as he had so shamelessly bragged. And that’s exactly what he did regarding the Paris Accord. He shitcanned it to keep his base, and here you better be thinking about people like Jeffrey Lord, crowing he was “Making America Great Again.” Hip, Hip Hooray! Run that up the flagpole and see how many right-wingers are overcome with pure unadulterated emotion.

All the media “analysis” about parsing the Trumpster’s supposed callous indifference to whether climate change would lead to political instability, increased societal tensions, and could place new burdens on developing economies and Third-World countries missed the point. The Donald doesn’t give a rat’s ass about such matters. They’re not on his plate now and most likely never will be.

Pumping up the base is what he’s all about to ensure he gets re-elected in three plus years. If he can keep his base pumped up with mindless enthusiasm, he’s convinced he’ll win again. Period. The Trumpster isn’t all that complicated. We can’t compare him to that likeable and ever so charming chameleon, Barack Obama, who wasn’t anywhere close to what many of us leftists thought he would be as President. After all, with The Donald what you see is what you get, a house of cards whose existence is grounded in one thing only, making a name and fortune for himself. Everything else is dirty, rotten dreck not worthy of his attention.

In The Donald, America has elected a President we deserve. We’ll have to wait and see what he does in terms of changing the presidency and our country but we should never forget who The Donald is: a huckster shilling for himself and his growing fortune, ethics and morality be damned.

Impeaching Donald

I have been watching cable and nightly news channels religiously and reading right- and left-wing online news sources and have to tell you that even wistfully thinking about impeaching Trump is nothing but a fleeting daydream. As the famous, or infamous if you will, Louisiana governor Edwin Washington Edwards once declared, “. . . the only way I could lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.” And that's about the only way, metaphorically speaking, The Donald would be impeached since Republicans who occupy Washington have closed their eyes and ears to his increasingly outrageous actions and refused to take any of them seriously.

So, unless Trump commits an Edwin Edwards-style peccadillo that hits the news media like a Category 5 hurricane, impeachment is not a serious possibility, no matter how awful you might think Trump and his actions are or how loudly the left-leaning pundits howl. We'll just have to wait and see how long the GOP pretends Trump's topsy-turvy world is normal, business as usual, Republican politics. Until then, impeachment is only a very, very faint hope for Democrats.

BTW, here's another incredible quote from that much-indicted and unrepentant rascal, Edwin Edwards, who at that time was running for Louisiana governor against former neo-Nazi and Klan leader David Duke, “Mr. Duke and I do not agree on many issues. But we do have one thing in common: We’re both wizards under the sheets.” And, yes, Edwards won that election.

PS: For those who do not know him, Edwin Washington Edwards, a four-time governor of Louisiana (1972–80, 1984–88, and 1992–96), was sent to federal prison in 2002 after being convicted of a variety of racketeering, money laundering, extortion, and fraud charges, including accepting $400,000 from the then-owner of the San Francisco 49ers to secure a riverboat gambling license.